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I am a 22-year-old woman, and my best friend is a 23-year-old man I’ve known since high school. Thanks for signing up! You can manage your newsletter subscriptions at any time. She was describing polyamory, which is different than the group play your husband suggested, but I think the advice still holds for any arrangement that deviates from strict heteronormativity: Elisabeth Sheff, whose 2013 book The Polyamorists Next Door is as essential a text on nonmonogamy as any I’ve read, wrote about the detrimental lopsidedness of such negotiations a few years ago for Psychology Today. That’s no way to map out the terms of the relationship, and it would mean your husband facilitated the poor communication that he’s now holding against you. While I don’t know the exact tone of the conversation during which you agreed to threesomes, you say he “threatened” to not marry you, and so it seems possible that you agreed to threesomes under duress. I think you bear some responsibility here, but you also deserve compassion. Your future husband told you his terms, and you agreed to them. I hope you’re learning why honest and direct communication is so important, even if it means called-off engagements. I have had a threesome in my past, but I also wasn’t in a relationship and at that time it made me jealous even with someone I trusted. Should I try it? Or not? We are both Christians, and I don’t feel like it is the right thing to do.
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He continues to bring this up all the time. He now feels he is stuck with me and does not feel sexually attracted to me anymore. He has threatened divorce multiple times and has left me crying late at night while lying in bed thinking what I’ve done so wrong. Well, it’s been almost nine months that we have been married, and I can’t bring myself to do it. Before we got married, I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with having a threesome either, and then thought hard about it because he threatened not to marry me unless I was willing to do this. He has been wanting a threesome for a long time even with her, and said that’s why he cheated in the first place. Long story short, he was married before and got a divorce because he cheated on her. Prior to this, we dated for a little more than three years. I have been married for almost a year now to my husband. Is a preoccupation with older guys something I need to try to get over? Or give in to? Or is there an option in between?
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But on the other hand, maybe the nervousness is something that needs to be worked through. I start thinking if I’m this nervous, then it’s not right-maybe I should just stick with dating older. I really have to force myself to go on “date-dates” (not hookups) with age-appropriate guys, and I get so nervous beforehand. The only times I’ve developed serious feelings has been for guys my own age, they have been straight or not out, or not interested, which I’m sure is a whole other can of worms. Dating guys my age feels scary, but I’m not unattracted to them. I think some of the allure is getting off on being desired, and part of it is that there’s just less expectations/pressure I feel a sense of control over the situation. I think intergenerational romancing can be a great thing, but I’m not sure that mine is always coming from a healthy place.